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July-August 1780 from Delia
The two letters I have just received make me live again, and
bring back some hope to my soul, so torn and alas! so ready to
fly away forever from this bosom that will love you until it
breathes its last. Oh, my angel! Oh, you whom I cannot love
too much, for nothing could compare to you in my eyes, nor even
come close to the rare qualities of your soul. It is in that
soul that I now look for release from my fears and my horrendous
torments! No, never has anyone suffered more acutely or
cruelly. If I had the supreme happiness of having known you for
a longer period of time, I might dare to hope you would not so
easily forget me, I implore you to forgive me for these
groundless fears, and to trace my mortal fears to their true
cause.
Alas! if I did not adore you, would I fear losing you so
much? You will no longer receive any letters which will let you
see the trouble of this heart, over which you reign so
despotically, but I have faith in your kindness. You have too
much valor not to have any enemies, but while she does you
justice, your mistress is frantically jealous of you. To love
without jealousy is not to love. From the horrible turmoil of
my heart, I would think that I am in love for the first time,
for never has a mortal caused me such disquietude. I am
flattered beyond words by your confidence, it is dear to me! It
is a proof of esteem, and I would give my life to deserve it.
Despite my awful jealousy, be forever convinced of my confidence
in you. In its rational moments this grieving heart knows,
believe me, more than anyone else perhaps, how to appreciate
your great soul; and all it wishes to say at the present time,
is that you condescend to love me enough to give me your
preference by confiding in me; and if you would ever think that
I would think less of you, believe your mistress when she tells
you that she would sacrifice the world for you, it if were at
her disposal.
When I learned of the loss you had suffered this
summer I would have offered you, had I dared, the sum of eighty
thousand pounds, which was supposed to be placed in a life
annuity. As a matter of fact the person who manages my affairs,
without knowing the reasons that I may have had, had recorded
the deed, and when I was with my attorney, upon my return from
L'Orient, I saw with the greatest sorrow that it had been signed
over to another person's name; they had to do this since I could
potentially marry. I must also tell you that this person does
everything he can imagine to force me to remain in France. But,
my angel, for the first time in my life I had quick enough of a
mind (which I owe to you) to have had the contract in my hands
for the past few days, and cancelled it. This way I will be
able to have this annuity paid anywhere.
Dear and sweet lover,
when I left you in L'Orient I had planned to gather this money,
and all my other portable belongings and to return to join you
and share your destiny, whatever it might turn out to be. It
would still be too sweet for me, since I would be with you! But
being unable to carry out my plans, or to aid you in anything, I
remain here with despair in my heart, until heaven takes pity on
your unfortunate mistress and brings you back to restore her to
life, to enjoy your rapture and all the feelings that you
inspire so well in this heart that belongs to you for all your
life. Therefore, do not worry, my angel, about my constancy. My
heart, my soul, my body, such as it is, will forever belong to
you alone!
It is true that Mr. R. to whom my husband had been
recommended, and under whose guard, almost, I have been left,
still continues to see me. The quiet, and I dare say, very
honest life that I have led, joined to few good qualities he
believes he found in my way of thinking, has brought him to my
circle. The people of that generation are fond of habits, and I
think he would despair if he were to lose me. But I always look
at him as a father, and I am certain that he himself has never
thought otherwise. My angel, I would tell that if I had thought
of my own interest, I would be rich perhaps, but since I do not
care much about that, a little amount of pride in my character
has always made me neglect the things that could be related to
interest; but for the first time in my life, I have wished I
were rich. It is true that I have enough so as not to be a
burden to anyone, but I feel that it is not enough for all that
my heart is feeling. Farewell, dear and adorable Jones, may all
the heavenly powers protect him that I love, and lead him to
happiness! Dear and lovable Jones, I feel sometimes that if I
were to lose you, I would be done for. I almost died upon
seeing the tracks of your tears! I have pressed the tracks of
your tears to my lips and heart. Oh God, how miserable I am!
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