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July-August 1780 from Delia
“I am suffering the cruelest about your health, my only love!
Dear Jones, I am useless to you when you are far from me. What
will become of me! My God, how unhappy I am! My angel, my
adorable Jones, when will we be reunited never to be separated
again? Oh, my friend, I feel that I will not be able to go on
living until your return! My intense love, my poor health, and
above all my mortal fears about the fate of my beloved make me
die a thousand times a day, and will put an end to all my
pains! They are inexpressible! Ah! I realize from the
torments of my soul that I have never loved anyone but you! And
if I must be deprived of you, I feel that I would not go on
living, Jones! my dear lover!
Pardon your unfortunate Delia,
forgive her weakness, remember that she adores you, and that she
would die if she lost you. How can you talk to me about rivals
when I am dying of love for you? If it is possible I will love
you beyond death, and everything that does not concern you is
repulsive to me. Oh, my Angel, think of the agonizing pains I
will have to endure at not knowing if you have arrived in
America, and imagine what my love can be if I wish you were far
away from me so that I can be assured that you are no longer in
danger. What am I reduced to! How horrible is my state! No,
no mortal has ever endured so cruel a destiny.
I have received
your letter of the 18th and 19th and I
must confess I am a little embarrassed about what I should
advise you to do. I wish I could bestow a crown upon you, no
mortal has ever been more worthy to bear one, but my adorable
friend, I have given little thought to my fortune, and I realize
with despair that I could not make you happy over there or live
with you a wealthy life. As for me my lover, I would only be
too happy to share with you a shack, but I would never ask
sacrifices of you. You were not made to live in retirement, and
I would never even suggest it to you. At the same time, you can
decide by yourself what you wish me to do, and be assured of my
eagerness to do anything you would want. I love you with
idolatry, and you alone, and my sole desire is to spend my days
with you, but wish that you be happy. You have never talked to
me about anything having to do with your affairs. It is quite
simple, you only know my tenderness for you and the marks
thereof which I have given you, but you do not know the feelings
of my soul, and all that it is capable of doing for you.
If you
ever are utterly without fortune, and if you would be compelled
to finally leave the service out of discontent, you must
immediately return to France and count on my heart which adores
you and will try to make you forget the injustice of men. As
soon as I can see Mr. R., he will renew his offers to give me a
share of the businesses he has in Holland, but if you wish that
I should leave Paris, I can do so. I shall be less rich, but I
will have done what you wanted me to. I should only be too
happy if I could allay any possible distress of yours, and my
love would spare you the slightest reproach over the trip to Lorient.
My health has suffered a little from my anxiety, but
that is of no consequence. Never has a request given me more
pleasure -- what am I saying -- I think that in all my life I
never really existed except for these five days that, alas, have
passed like a dream and of which there only remains the painful
image of a good thing that is no more. My only regret is to
have taken my brother along, who not only has wasted his time
but has also spent a lot of money, squandering it as he always
does, and without thinking of the circumstances, he had obliged
me to borrow some money for myself for three months, since some
people who owed me money have not honored their commitments, and
have asked me for more time. But he does not care about this,
as long as he can satisfy [ ] I think that having a house
and a lot to do, one can always find money, I would only like to
ask that you find an opportunity to teach him a lesson about
money, he will surely listen to you and [last line is
illegible.]
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