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July-August 1780 from Delia
"My god, my servant has just returned from the post office and
there is no letter! Good heavens! By what cruelty am I now
deprived of the only consolation that remains to my despair and
to my regrets! Alas, could you be so cruel as to depart without
telling me good-bye, without showing the slightest pain at
leaving me, or any regrets for all the pains that I have felt
ever since the cruel moment when destiny offered you to me?
Alas, if I was not very happy then, my heart was free of fears
and my indifference took the place of happiness, whereas now I
am dying of torments, and see no end to it all, nor the hope of
ever being happy again! Perhaps all I have done for your sake,
and the unveiling of my feelings embarrass you! You feel
yourself bound, perhaps to render me a degree of gratitude. If
this is my misfortune, I have enough pride and I feel also
enough courage left in me to give up all that can make me love
life.
My entire existence would have been yours forever, but I
must know that the feeling is mutual, and I believe that it is
if the most tender and purest sentiments are to prevail. If by
Tuesday I have not received a letter from you I will no longer
bother you with mine, and you will not hear from me neither a
complaint or a reproach, for they have never served except to
humiliate those who are weak enough to express them. I will
learn to accept that I made a mistake, but I will never lower
myself to complain.
So believe, however, that if I had not the
greatest of esteem for you, I would have never confided in you,
or opened myself up as I have. In spite of all, I trust in your
honor that no one will ever see the proofs that I have given
you, of my feelings, alas feelings stronger than I or stronger
than reason. The torments they have caused me make me the
mortal in the entire universe most deserving of mercy. I will
send [ ] to your house to learn whether you have left, and he
will return your letters, and the belt that I have had redone a
hundred times because it was not right, I would have liked you
to try it on before you left, but do not believe that it was not
my fault.
Farewell! May the ills that you cause me not trouble
your sleep. If I have been unable to make you settle down, or to
please you as much as my heart would have liked, I will only
complain of my unworthiness. I would have sacrificed everything
for the happiness of pleasing you, and I would have given my
life to be loved by you. I will never be happy any more, may
you be happy forever, even it is at the expense of the peace of
my heart [stained, illegible] May the whole world render you
justice and adore you. Alas, that my own heart should have
given you the example. Goodby, on Tuesday I shall know my
fate. I cannot go on. I cannot continue with a cloud hovering
over my days. All is troubled and confused in my heart, nothing
seems to be clear, fear of having lost you has reduced me.”
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